Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? Why Do We Hang On To The Belief that it is Our Fault?

                         Why Do We Hang On To The Belief that it is Our Fault?

If you have suffered from some sort of sexual abuse one of the things you think about is “Why”?  Why did this happen to me?  Why was I the one that got this kind of horrible treatment?  How could someone do these kinds of things to another person?  It is hard to believe, isn’t it?  You are probably thinking, “Who acts like this”?  And even worse, what are you thinking if the person is someone you know, maybe a date rape situation or even worse, incest?

Now what?  We often think about sexual abuse as being done by someone who jumps out of the bushes, some stranger.  We have always been taught to fear strangers, right?  A person following you when you are walking down the street in the dark.  But research proves sexual abuse is usually committed by someone you know.  That goes for rape, as well.  We were always afraid of strangers and it wasn’t them about whom we should have been worried.

But why do we cling to the belief that being abused was somehow OUR FAULT.  If you think back, you never wished for what happened to you.  You would have done anything to escape and/or stop what was happening.  So why wouldn’t we understand it wasn’t our fault?  We were victims! 

When you have been sexually assaulted, it makes you feel very out of control.  You see yourself as vulnerable and no matter what happened and whether or not the perpetrator was a stranger, you think you are open to anyone with bad intentions and you can’t protect yourself. It makes you want to hide under the bed.

What if you were attacked by someone you know?  What if you have suffered incest?  It is horrible when you are violated in this way, but when someone who says they love you does it; what does that mean?  What does it mean about you and the people you trusted?  Can you be such a bad judge of character?  And what does it say about your worthiness, others ability to love you.  Could you be that un-lovable?  Could you be so hard to love?  People who are supposed to love you and take care of you; they do this!

So it makes it less painful if it is your fault.  At least you are just not right and somehow really seduced your father, your father’s friend, your brother, your brother’s friend, someone with whom you had a platonic relationship….. Right…

It is less painful to blame yourself than it is to think someone from your family and friends could want to hurt you like that, could have caused you so much pain.  It is easier to be unlovable than to believe the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, could violate you in that way.  So we hold on to the blame.

 It’s your fault, right?  Of course, not!!!  IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.  No matter what you do.  You are never responsible for your own sexual assault.  If anyone tells you that you are, tell them you know better.  Because you do.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201