I Am What I Think!!?!!
We have all heard it; we may or not believe it. The “your life IS a direct result of your
thoughts” trend became more popular with the book “the Secret” and continues in
therapy sessions all over the country.
And we like that thought, having control of our lives. Finally, right?
I see a lot of people who are having trouble controlling
their lives and feel unsure how to make the best decisions. When things happen in our lives, as humans,
we try to assign a meaning to it. Our mind
wants to understand what happens and we assign the meanings unconsciously.
False beliefs come from feelings we have in reaction to
something. But instead of reacting to
the situation in a way that is appropriate for the situation, we react in a way
that has to do more with our history, baggage, and other meanings we
assign. I will always remember one of
my first heartbreaks that broke up with me, stating they wanted to see someone
else. I spent months thinking about all
my flaws and the many reasons why, of course, I did not measure up and had now
been abandoned. Later I found out my
past and the other person never had a relationship, only dated a few
times. And I thought about all the
wasted time I had spent imagining the two of them being together and laughing
about my faults. Those feelings that
had kept me up at night were false beliefs.
False beliefs are a big problem for sexual abuse
survivors. Being sexually abused makes
it hard to get in touch with any positive feelings you have about yourself.
After you are abused, your self esteem is at “0” or lower, and you don’t trust
any choice you make and you don’t trust anyone else to make choices for
you. All of this can make recovering
from sexual abuse, assault, and rape even more difficult than it might be for
others.
Survivors often get stuck on false beliefs. False beliefs may even get in the way of
their therapy. But they don’t have
to. We can change false beliefs by
changing the way we think about what happened, but we have to be able to
identify the fact(s) and the false belief and be able to see why it is
false. To do that we have to separate
feelings and facts, which is not always easy to do. And, what may be worse, we
can develop other unhealthy or inaccurate behaviors in response to or as part
of the false belief.
For example, as a survivor, my rapist smothered me with a
pillow. Those moments as I struggled for breath was terrifying. My attack occurred in 1976. Last year, I got the flu and went to the
emergency room. Because I had the flu,
the hospital put a mask on me to keep me from infecting others. I became very upset when the attending nurse
she tried to insist I used the mask. I could not use the mask because I have
not been able to put anything over my face, especially my nose because it
reminds me of all those years ago. To
me, when there is something covering my face, in my mind, I am being raped
again. I became upset and the nurse became angry. Someone had to take me around the corner and put me in a
treatment room so I could take off my mask. That is my memory and my struggle
that happens 40 years later.
One of the things that is helpful for survivors is to look
at situations causing a high emotional response and step back to consider from
where the feelings come. The emotional
response may need to be challenged by looking at the real reasons you are
responding the way you are. You may need to share information with whoever is
involved to explain your response. You
want to be careful about who you choose to share your feelings but if you find
someone who can be honest and understand the situation, a lot of growth can
happen for you.
Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest. Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area
Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
Personal Solutions 954-793-3201
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