Parental Alienation: Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse?

             "Parental Alienation", sounds like something big and scary.  Maybe you have a parent that is an alien?  No?  Probably not.  Parental alienation is a term used in court when one parent claims the other parent is causing the kids not to like the other parent.
     This is something that happens all the time, especially in Family Court when one parent accuses the other parent of negative behavior, like sexual abuse.  In Family Court, as parents are trying to figure out divorce issues, like custody and visitation, one family member brings up the other is sexually abusing the kids, expecting it to affect the custody and the visitation decisions. Often, unless the accusing parent can prove what they say happen, the court will ignore the allegations.  If the accusations continue, the parent being accused may claim parental alienation.
        I have seen custody taken away from a mother who could not prove her child had been and was being sexually abused by her father.  The child's mother had a history of very clear indications that her child had been sexually abused but had not been able to prove it legally. Because of that, the judge claimed the mother was guilty of parental alienation and took away her custody of the child.  For a year, she was allowed to see her child once a week, with supervision, for an hour.
     Can you imagine the trauma?  Can you imagine how the child and the mother felt?  A child does not understand why she has to live with her father when she has not lived with him before?  The child does not understand why she can only visit her mother one hour every week, when she is living with her since she was born.  What if the mother is correct and the child is really being sexually abused.  And who really suffering the most?
This is a cautionary tale.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Make the Call

  I am talking to a child, teenager, or younger and for some reason or another, they tell me about what happened.  They tell me their dad, their brother, their friend or parents' friend, a relative, or sometimes even a stranger has touched them, or fondled them, or had sex with them.  Maybe it was once or twice, maybe it was for much longer and now they are trusting me with the information, trusting me enough that they let me know about the "secret".  It is possible they have told someone, it is possible no one knows yet.  If they haven't shared anything with a parent or parents, that is the first thing that needs to be done.

     After that, I need to call the Abuse Hotline (1-800-963-2873).  It is part of my job, by law I am required to make the call and tell the people on the Abuse Hotline about the information I received. I would make the call even if I wasn't required. I don't make the decision about whether or not it is true, I only repeat what I was told.  I try to give all the information I was given, and any other important information I might have that could affect or change the situation.  They usually don't talk talk to me too long, but I try to help them as much as possible.  As a professional, if I have an opinion about whether or not the abuse happened, I may offer it.

     My question to you is "would you call the Abuse Hotline if you believed someone was being abused?"  In other words, "Would you get involved?"  First thing to note, the person who calls remains anonymous. As I write this, I know I often hear people tell stories about "Uncle John" knowing that "Sister Amy" called about his abuse of his three children, even though it was supposed to be kept confidential but if that happens it doesn't come from the abuse report or the Abuse Hotline staff.

     What I hear most is people not wanting to get involved and making someone else angry at them or causing trouble in the family.  Think for a minute what choice you would like someone to make if you or someone in your family are in trouble.  Are you someone who helps or walks away?  Are you going to let a child be hurt, maybe killed when your phone call could have stopped the abuse?   Do you support child abuse?  So. would YOU make the call and tell the Abuse Hotline what you thought?

It's Not Just You (INJY) by Mally Tamale-Sali

        Take a look at this.  It is so moving and inspirational.  Check out the website, you'll find some great things                                          

 PREFACE COPY  - INJY - complete.pdf        
  By   MALLY TAMALE-SALI         WWW.THINKSPEAKRUN.COM
It doesn’t have 365 entries as we’d hoped for, and we didn’t finish it in time for Christmas (we’re three days late). But what it does have is 100
immensely generous and powerful insights from CSA survivors and non-survivors from around the world, who have stepped forward to let you
know that no matter what you’re going through right now...it’s not just you. You’re not alone, and this book has the names and contact details of
100 people who believe you, believe in you and are 100% looking for you to survive and thrive in spite of all that you’re going through right now.
Each contributor was asked the same question, and each one of them was given '61-seconds' to answer it. Some took that literally, and melted
their keyboards with the speed of their typing. Others used a 'metaphorical 61-seconds' and took a moment out of their extremely busy schedules to share valuable insights that you’ll read in this book. We personally reached out to thousands of people that we believed would add value to this project, and whatever answer they provided to the question we asked them...that’s exactly what we’ve put in this book, exactly as
it was emailed to us (complete with typos), in the exact chronological order that we received it.
Why? Because when it comes to sharing your story and your truth as a survivor, it doesn’t matter how you say it, or even what you say. All that matters is that you say it...because speaking it out - whatever your it might be - is the key to your freedom and destiny.. But if you do nothing else with it, we hope you really take to heart this one thing: it’s not just you, and we believe you.
So here’s the book, enjoy it, and let us know what you think about the last page.
Faithfully yours,
Mally and David   (28th December 2014)

Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? ACE Studies continue.

      There have been follow -up studies to the ACE studies and many of the results were published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.  Eighteen states have done their own ACE surveys, and their results are similar to the CDC’s ACE Study.        Two thirds of the 17,000 people in the first ACE Study had an ACE score of at least one, and 87% of those had a score of more than one.   And in case you think that the ACE Study was  another study involving inner-city poor people of color, it  was not. The study’s participants were 17,000 mostly white, middle and upper-middle class college-educated people with good jobs and great health care.

       Over the past 20 years, rapid advances in neurobiology have revealed how childhood trauma directly affects the developing brain. These experiences modify the neurological, endocrine and immune systems. They activate stress hormones, initiate inflammatory processes, and change immune function, each of these are associated with developing chronic diseases in adults.     

     Researchers believe that we can create opportunities for young people to address the concerns identified by their ACE scores much earlier in their lives, and maybe, in doing so, it is possible to reverse the damage that is done to our brains and bodies from the overload of cortisol and adrenaline caused by stress. We all have the ability to be part of building resilience for a child and to use practices that will better identify and deal with childhood trauma before the effects become irreversible.     

          We need trauma-informed communities where everyone understands how to recognize warning signs they see in themselves or others, or even better, where people respond by asking information seeking questions in all cases, even if the warning signs are not there.  

      In the future,our nation should focus more on ensuring the healthy development of infants, children and families. In the interest of improving our country’s social and economic well-being and global competitiveness, it would be one of the best investments we can make.  . 

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? ACE Studies Are Making News

   Have you heard about the Adverse Childhood Effects study?  The initial phase of the ACE Study was conducted at Kaiser Permanente from 1995 to 1997. More than 17,000 participants completed a standardized physical examination to take part in the study.     Adverse Childhood Effects, as you might imagine, are the negative effects that come from trauma and abuse and affect a child's life in huge ways.  But the worst part is that what the abuse does to someone will continue ALL their life, and predestine them lives of turmoil and chaos.  Children who suffer either repeated or severe trauma will be much more likely to be addicted to substances, less likely to get and keep a job, more often divorced, if married, they may have troubled intimate relationships.  People who suffer repeated abuse are more likely not to complete school and not to continue to college.
     Equally alarming, this population is subject to many more illnesses than most of the rest of us.  These are serious illnesses such as: C.O.P.D., heart disease, liver disease, early smoking  and illegal drug initiation, sexually transmitted diseases, (STD's), early initiation into sexual activity, unwanted pregnancies, multiple sexual partners and increased risk for intimate partner violence.
       In addition to physical and developmental problems, the stress of chronic abuse may result in anxiety and may make victims more vulnerable to problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder, conduct disorder, and learning, attention, and memory difficulties (Dallam, 2001; Perry, 2001).  More recently, doctors are looking at the idea that the reason so many of our young children have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), is really because their symptoms have been misdiagnosed, and were symptoms of trauma.  Hyper-vigilance (being extra sensitive and vigilant) and dissociation, (being in their "own world") for example, could be mistaken for inattention. Impulsivity (being impulsive) might be brought on by a response to stress in overdrive. Doctors said that despite our best efforts, it was hard to get the symptoms under control,  They began to think that perhaps a lot of what we were seeing was more outer behavior as a result of family dysfunction or other traumatic experience.     There are a lot of frightening issues that have been brought forward in this study and in all the research after.  I believe the information is very important and will continue to be extremely informative to us all.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

   

Do You Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? I Want my Children to Listen to Adults!

I Want my Children to Listen to Adults!

   Do your children listen to adults?  Do I hear laughing?  I don't know about you, but in my family, we were taught to listen to adults.  If I did not, there would be big trouble, and I would be sorry I did not follow the rules of my family.  When I was young, children were not taught to do anything else and we grew up in a world in which all adults and authority figures deserved that trust, or at least we all believed they did.

     Now, we know a little more than we used to know, OK, sadly, a lot more.  Every person that is an authority figure wants the kids they take care of to listen to them.  That makes things so much easier when you are a teacher, a babysitter, the daycare worker, or a parent.  But in our world today, it's not as easy and clear as we thought it once was.

     While most parents expect their children to do what they ask them to do, they need to be able to say "No" when adults do things that are bad or uncomfortable.  Children need to know that if an adult does something that makes them feel uncomfortable, they have the right to tell the person "No", or run in the opposite direction, or cal for help.

     Children need to be taught about "good touch" and "bad touch" and the idea of someone touching them inappropriately should be explained to them in an age appropriate manner, so they know what is acceptable and what is not. Then they need to be given permission to tell anyone "No" and refuse to listen to whatever they tell them.
Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Do We Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? Being Your Own Best Friend

This is a post I wrote before starting this current blog.  It is a technique I use and share with my clients.  I believe when you are a sexual abuse survivor searching for support and understanding you can learn to give it to yourself, and you will know you have someone in your corner with your best interest in mind.

    Most of us have heard someone telling them about the wonder of being their “own best friend”.  For some, it’s a catch phrase, a buzzword that lost its appeal a couple of decades ago.  It sounds a little like a term therapists used back in the 1960’s or ‘70’s when therapists recommended the book “I’m OK, You’re OK”, by Thomas Harris. 

     I’d venture to guess we could all use another friend but having yourself as a best friend is not exactly in the same category of friends as the others.  Many of us have had less nurturing than would be ideal during our life.  In addition, unless you have a completely selfless significant other, without a job or other responsibilities, who can solely provide you with whatever support and nurturing you might need, there are days when you might not think you could ever get enough.

     Even when you lived at home with your parents, whose job it was to nurture and support you emotionally while running the household, keeping a job, meeting the needs of all other family members, and having a life; we may not get enough support and love.

And If we need more, where do we get it?  Do we get it from the guy or girl at the bar when it’s almost closing time?  Do we get it from our children or our spouse?  What about the people at work?  Still need more?

     For those dark nights, the three a.m. times when you’re alone or your secret is too secret to share, who is there?  You, you are always there and learning how to provide your self with the support you want is a gift like no other.  You can give it to yourself.  Then what you get from others is just icing on the cake. 

   Imagine that, giving yourself what you need. A lot of us remain in relationships because we don’t want to be alone, more importantly we don’t want to feel alone.  When you are your own best friend, you are never alone.  You don’t have to suffer through other people’s “junk” You can choose people who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. A permanent best friend who only has your best interests at heart and people in your life who treat you the way that you should be treated.  Think of how great your life will be!
Call me, I can help you learn how to help yourself.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions