Do You Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? How Do You Know?

What does a sexually abused child act like?  Can you spot one?  Can you tell by looking at your children?  Of course, the behavior changes depending on the person and situation, so it's not always easy.  You think.. "GREAT, just what I need."  I mean, most children today are jigsaw puzzles without all the pieces.  They don't even speak a language you recognize.  But take a deep breath, we can figure this out.

Many children who are sexually abused are quiet, withdrawn, want to stay by themselves.  That makes sense.  But some children who are sexually abused are not withdrawn.  They learn how to cope, really quickly.  And if it means they are always the one who is the center of attention, the one with the loudest laugh, then it means they are not in a quiet room with the wrong person.  Sexually abused children often do poorly in school, but they can also be a star in the academic environment because this is the one place they can be safe, they can be a success, instead of someone who is being abused.

Children who are sexually abused may suddenly have a lot of information about sex that they didn't have before.  They may describe sexual acts they should have no information about at their age or maturity level.  When a three year old tells you about something that sounds like oral sex, you really need to ask more questions.

When a child has pain or redness in their genital area, you need to ask them what is going on.  When children, especially girls seem to see their identity or worth as a person linked to their sexuality, make sure you ask questions.  Our society sees girls and women in a very sexualized and unreal way and many females hold themselves to that standard.  But if your five year old is wearing booty shorts, you have a problem and it may be sexual abuse.

The bottom line is this.....PAY ATTENTION.  You have to know what is happening even when you are not there.  And talk, talk, talk, even when you think they are not listening...keep talking to them.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Do We Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? I Have A Past.

Do you have "a past"?  I do.  Really, all of us do. Good, bad, or indifferent, we all have one. When we think about our past, sometimes we might smile, thinking about the things we did when we were young, or single, or didn't have children, or bills to pay. Or maybe you are still living" la vida loca".  If so, just make sure you don't hurt yourself, or others because some choices we make we can't take back.

     What I am really talking about is our childhood, and what happened in it.  I'm not talking about whether or not you can blame your parents for all the bad things that happened to you but how your history affects your present life.   Anyway, this is not about blaming, but rather about giving you the best information possible so you can make the most informed choices.

     I have posted information about these studies before; they are the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, or ACE studies.  Research shows that certain things that happened during your childhood raise your likelihood of having other problems when you get older.  The ACE studies suggest that certain experiences are major risk factors leading to the poor quality of life and death.  Realizing these childhood situations or experiences can cause some of the worst health and social issues can aid us in better dealing with the ramifications before they affect other lives and is more likely to assist in prevention and recovery.  
Major struggles for children occur when the adverse situations happens to a child is 4 years old or younger or has additional health concerns, such as, cognitive impairment or a chronic physical illness. Parents can have a harder time being a positive parent when they have experienced poor parenting themselves, have a lack of understanding about what their child needs. This is especially true when they are the parent of a child or children who have major physical or mental illnesses. Parents and their children also have more difficulties when they have a history of substance abuse, depression themselves or in their family, or they are young when they become a parent and/or get married, have not completed high school, or received a GED, have a large number of children.
Compared to people with relatively few or no ACE situations, the risk of heavy drinking, self-reported alcoholism, or having a relationship with an alcoholic were increased by two, regardless of parental alcoholism.  Adverse childhood experiences seem to account for one half to two thirds of serious problems with teen drug abuse.
Even "small" amounts of verbal abuse can make a serious difference in a child's life   The questionnaire asks them if a parent EVER yelled  or swore at them, or how often did the family move?  How many families would score on these two questions?       

While this is just a small piece of the puzzle, I hope it gives you an idea of just SOME of the kinds of things that can set the stage for sexual abuse.  Sexual abuse is one of the many things these studies have found can happen even easier in a world in which adverse childhood experiences take place.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

   

8 Ways to Care for Yourself After Sexual Abuse

What do you do after you have been through sexual abuse?  How do you pick up the pieces when you are not even sure where to find them?

1.Go to the doctor, your own doctor, rape crisis, if that is appropriate, the emergency room and/or whatever you feel comfortable doing.  If you are thinking about pursuing the matter with the police or in a court, call the police or 911 and let them tell you which choice to make because they will know.  If you can deal with it at all, get the evidence and then you can decide later if you want to use it.
2.  Call a friend or family member, or both and get them to go with you when you get medical attention.  You will be glad you have the support.  Choose someone you can trust and someone that will keep the secret and not share anything you don't want them to broadcast to others.
3.  Find a therapist.  (Yes, I know a good one)  Find one that you feel comfortable with and who specializes in this kind of thing because this is a very specific issue and you need someone that know what to do and has experience.  (I know a good therapist with 30 years experience)
4. Make sure you are somewhere safe and you have a place to stay where you can feel comfortable and have others around you.  This is not the time to be alone.
5.  If you have the police involved, be sure you follow what they want you to do.  They may give you specific instructions about what to do or not do and it will be a problem for your case if you don't follow instructions.
6.  Take care of yourself and let others take care of you.  You have been through a traumatic experience and healing is going to be difficult.  Try as best you can to relax and think about something else, ( almost impossible, but try)
7. Remember that you are never at fault, there was nothing you could do.  Don't beat yourself up.
8.  Make sure you follow up with the therapist, the medical resources, and law enforcement, if they are involved.
As a survivor of rape, I can tell you, you can make it, with some help.  You can some out on the other side and make positive choices in your life again.  Follow these 8 steps, they will get you started, and I know the name and phone number of a good therapist. Look below and it will be there.

Carolyn Wilson, LCSW   954-793-3201
Owner, Founder of Personal Solutions, LLC
Helping You Find Your Personal Solutions

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area  

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Join Me tonight with Patricia A McKnight.  Can't wait to hear your questions and comments

Carolyn Wilson, LCSW

Parental Alienation: Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse?

             "Parental Alienation", sounds like something big and scary.  Maybe you have a parent that is an alien?  No?  Probably not.  Parental alienation is a term used in court when one parent claims the other parent is causing the kids not to like the other parent.
     This is something that happens all the time, especially in Family Court when one parent accuses the other parent of negative behavior, like sexual abuse.  In Family Court, as parents are trying to figure out divorce issues, like custody and visitation, one family member brings up the other is sexually abusing the kids, expecting it to affect the custody and the visitation decisions. Often, unless the accusing parent can prove what they say happen, the court will ignore the allegations.  If the accusations continue, the parent being accused may claim parental alienation.
        I have seen custody taken away from a mother who could not prove her child had been and was being sexually abused by her father.  The child's mother had a history of very clear indications that her child had been sexually abused but had not been able to prove it legally. Because of that, the judge claimed the mother was guilty of parental alienation and took away her custody of the child.  For a year, she was allowed to see her child once a week, with supervision, for an hour.
     Can you imagine the trauma?  Can you imagine how the child and the mother felt?  A child does not understand why she has to live with her father when she has not lived with him before?  The child does not understand why she can only visit her mother one hour every week, when she is living with her since she was born.  What if the mother is correct and the child is really being sexually abused.  And who really suffering the most?
This is a cautionary tale.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Make the Call

  I am talking to a child, teenager, or younger and for some reason or another, they tell me about what happened.  They tell me their dad, their brother, their friend or parents' friend, a relative, or sometimes even a stranger has touched them, or fondled them, or had sex with them.  Maybe it was once or twice, maybe it was for much longer and now they are trusting me with the information, trusting me enough that they let me know about the "secret".  It is possible they have told someone, it is possible no one knows yet.  If they haven't shared anything with a parent or parents, that is the first thing that needs to be done.

     After that, I need to call the Abuse Hotline (1-800-963-2873).  It is part of my job, by law I am required to make the call and tell the people on the Abuse Hotline about the information I received. I would make the call even if I wasn't required. I don't make the decision about whether or not it is true, I only repeat what I was told.  I try to give all the information I was given, and any other important information I might have that could affect or change the situation.  They usually don't talk talk to me too long, but I try to help them as much as possible.  As a professional, if I have an opinion about whether or not the abuse happened, I may offer it.

     My question to you is "would you call the Abuse Hotline if you believed someone was being abused?"  In other words, "Would you get involved?"  First thing to note, the person who calls remains anonymous. As I write this, I know I often hear people tell stories about "Uncle John" knowing that "Sister Amy" called about his abuse of his three children, even though it was supposed to be kept confidential but if that happens it doesn't come from the abuse report or the Abuse Hotline staff.

     What I hear most is people not wanting to get involved and making someone else angry at them or causing trouble in the family.  Think for a minute what choice you would like someone to make if you or someone in your family are in trouble.  Are you someone who helps or walks away?  Are you going to let a child be hurt, maybe killed when your phone call could have stopped the abuse?   Do you support child abuse?  So. would YOU make the call and tell the Abuse Hotline what you thought?

It's Not Just You (INJY) by Mally Tamale-Sali

        Take a look at this.  It is so moving and inspirational.  Check out the website, you'll find some great things                                          

 PREFACE COPY  - INJY - complete.pdf        
  By   MALLY TAMALE-SALI         WWW.THINKSPEAKRUN.COM
It doesn’t have 365 entries as we’d hoped for, and we didn’t finish it in time for Christmas (we’re three days late). But what it does have is 100
immensely generous and powerful insights from CSA survivors and non-survivors from around the world, who have stepped forward to let you
know that no matter what you’re going through right now...it’s not just you. You’re not alone, and this book has the names and contact details of
100 people who believe you, believe in you and are 100% looking for you to survive and thrive in spite of all that you’re going through right now.
Each contributor was asked the same question, and each one of them was given '61-seconds' to answer it. Some took that literally, and melted
their keyboards with the speed of their typing. Others used a 'metaphorical 61-seconds' and took a moment out of their extremely busy schedules to share valuable insights that you’ll read in this book. We personally reached out to thousands of people that we believed would add value to this project, and whatever answer they provided to the question we asked them...that’s exactly what we’ve put in this book, exactly as
it was emailed to us (complete with typos), in the exact chronological order that we received it.
Why? Because when it comes to sharing your story and your truth as a survivor, it doesn’t matter how you say it, or even what you say. All that matters is that you say it...because speaking it out - whatever your it might be - is the key to your freedom and destiny.. But if you do nothing else with it, we hope you really take to heart this one thing: it’s not just you, and we believe you.
So here’s the book, enjoy it, and let us know what you think about the last page.
Faithfully yours,
Mally and David   (28th December 2014)