Do We Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? I Am What I Think!!!??!

I Am What I Think!!?!!

  

We have all heard it; we may or not believe it.  The “your life IS a direct result of your thoughts” trend became more popular with the book “the Secret” and continues in therapy sessions all over the country.  And we like that thought, having control of our lives.  Finally, right?

I see a lot of people who are having trouble controlling their lives and feel unsure how to make the best decisions.  When things happen in our lives, as humans, we try to assign a meaning to it.  Our mind wants to understand what happens and we assign the meanings unconsciously.

False beliefs come from feelings we have in reaction to something.  But instead of reacting to the situation in a way that is appropriate for the situation, we react in a way that has to do more with our history, baggage, and other meanings we assign.  I will always remember one of my first heartbreaks that broke up with me, stating they wanted to see someone else.  I spent months thinking about all my flaws and the many reasons why, of course, I did not measure up and had now been abandoned.  Later I found out my past and the other person never had a relationship, only dated a few times.  And I thought about all the wasted time I had spent imagining the two of them being together and laughing about my faults.  Those feelings that had kept me up at night were false beliefs.

False beliefs are a big problem for sexual abuse survivors.  Being sexually abused makes it hard to get in touch with any positive feelings you have about yourself. After you are abused, your self esteem is at “0” or lower, and you don’t trust any choice you make and you don’t trust anyone else to make choices for you.  All of this can make recovering from sexual abuse, assault, and rape even more difficult than it might be for others.

Survivors often get stuck on false beliefs.  False beliefs may even get in the way of their therapy.  But they don’t have to.  We can change false beliefs by changing the way we think about what happened, but we have to be able to identify the fact(s) and the false belief and be able to see why it is false.  To do that we have to separate feelings and facts, which is not always easy to do. And, what may be worse, we can develop other unhealthy or inaccurate behaviors in response to or as part of the false belief.

For example, as a survivor, my rapist smothered me with a pillow. Those moments as I struggled for breath was terrifying.  My attack occurred in 1976.  Last year, I got the flu and went to the emergency room.  Because I had the flu, the hospital put a mask on me to keep me from infecting others.  I became very upset when the attending nurse she tried to insist I used the mask. I could not use the mask because I have not been able to put anything over my face, especially my nose because it reminds me of all those years ago.  To me, when there is something covering my face, in my mind, I am being raped again. I became upset and the nurse became angry.  Someone had to take me around the corner and put me in a treatment room so I could take off my mask. That is my memory and my struggle that happens 40 years later.

One of the things that is helpful for survivors is to look at situations causing a high emotional response and step back to consider from where the feelings come.  The emotional response may need to be challenged by looking at the real reasons you are responding the way you are. You may need to share information with whoever is involved to explain your response.  You want to be careful about who you choose to share your feelings but if you find someone who can be honest and understand the situation, a lot of growth can happen for you.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201   

Do We Really Need to Worry About Sexual Abuse? After the Crisis......?

Many things happen to us when we are abused.  I am thinking about sexual abuse but really any kind of abuse changes who you are.  The changes are physical, emotional, and mental.  And abuse is life changing.

After sexual abuse you may have many different emotions, fear, confusion, anger, distrust, trauma, PTSD, and dissociative episodes.  One of the things I believe will help you is some sort of therapy or therapeutic intervention.  Therapy can help you process the abuse.  Some people need more support than what they receive in the initial therapy.

Beyond Surviving was developed by Rachel Grant, who is a very wise woman.  She is a survivor and her therapy left her feeling incomplete.  She felt she did not trust herself to make positive choices in boyfriends and she wasn't sure how to be comfortable about being successful.  She felt she needed something else.  And later, she felt the rest of the people who are dealing with sexual abuse might need it too.

Beyond Surviving is a program that works with people who have suffered from the trauma of abuse, especially sexual abuse.  It helps the survivor to look at who they are now, since the abuse, how they have changed, and whether or not there is current behavior to change.

Abuse can make you a different person and it might add some changes you don't want.  You don't trust ANYONE!  And worse, you don't trust yourself.  Abuse can seem to take away your abilities to do positive things; your self esteem diminishes or vanishes.

I hope you will take advantage of anything that is uplifting to you.  Survivors (and all of us) need it.
Beyond Surviving is a program which can be taught in a group or with a single student.  If you are interested in learning about it, please let me know and we can work through the program together.  Much of it is self-study with just a few hours of contact over the entire program, which can be done on the computer or on the phone.  Even if you have not had therapy, this may be appropriate for you, so give me a call and we can discuss it.  (954-793-3201)

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? Why Do We Hang On To The Belief that it is Our Fault?

                         Why Do We Hang On To The Belief that it is Our Fault?

If you have suffered from some sort of sexual abuse one of the things you think about is “Why”?  Why did this happen to me?  Why was I the one that got this kind of horrible treatment?  How could someone do these kinds of things to another person?  It is hard to believe, isn’t it?  You are probably thinking, “Who acts like this”?  And even worse, what are you thinking if the person is someone you know, maybe a date rape situation or even worse, incest?

Now what?  We often think about sexual abuse as being done by someone who jumps out of the bushes, some stranger.  We have always been taught to fear strangers, right?  A person following you when you are walking down the street in the dark.  But research proves sexual abuse is usually committed by someone you know.  That goes for rape, as well.  We were always afraid of strangers and it wasn’t them about whom we should have been worried.

But why do we cling to the belief that being abused was somehow OUR FAULT.  If you think back, you never wished for what happened to you.  You would have done anything to escape and/or stop what was happening.  So why wouldn’t we understand it wasn’t our fault?  We were victims! 

When you have been sexually assaulted, it makes you feel very out of control.  You see yourself as vulnerable and no matter what happened and whether or not the perpetrator was a stranger, you think you are open to anyone with bad intentions and you can’t protect yourself. It makes you want to hide under the bed.

What if you were attacked by someone you know?  What if you have suffered incest?  It is horrible when you are violated in this way, but when someone who says they love you does it; what does that mean?  What does it mean about you and the people you trusted?  Can you be such a bad judge of character?  And what does it say about your worthiness, others ability to love you.  Could you be that un-lovable?  Could you be so hard to love?  People who are supposed to love you and take care of you; they do this!

So it makes it less painful if it is your fault.  At least you are just not right and somehow really seduced your father, your father’s friend, your brother, your brother’s friend, someone with whom you had a platonic relationship….. Right…

It is less painful to blame yourself than it is to think someone from your family and friends could want to hurt you like that, could have caused you so much pain.  It is easier to be unlovable than to believe the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, could violate you in that way.  So we hold on to the blame.

 It’s your fault, right?  Of course, not!!!  IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.  No matter what you do.  You are never responsible for your own sexual assault.  If anyone tells you that you are, tell them you know better.  Because you do.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Do You Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? What Now?

  So...you have been sexually abused, raped, sexually assaulted.  You feel like a science experiment, somebody else's science experiment.  Your body doesn't seem like it belongs to you, maybe it is painful when you move.  If you don't feel pain when you move, you are lucky.  You probably feel pain in your heart, your brain, your soul.  You are not sure who you are, or who you will ever be again.

All the things and people you knew and trusted are gone.  You cannot trust your own judgement,  Your judgement or lack of  it got you where you are now.  You know you will never trust anyone or anything again.because you intend to lock yourself in a small room and never open the door again.

You don't know what to do...should you say something, tell the police, tell your biggest male friend to kill the motherf-----, or just forget about it.  CAN you forget about it?  Probably not.

No matter what else, find someone to talk to that is trustworthy.  Your best friend, a family member, or go to a trauma center.  If you can, you need to go to the hospital, or the rape treatment center, or your doctor.  Don't do it alone; bring someone with you that is on your side and can support you.  Do This If At All Possible, do it before you take a shower even if you may not involve the police.  This is the evidence that proves your attack and if you are going to prosecute or not or even try to identify someone to pay child support or terminate their parental rights, you need this.  It is not fun, and I am not going to lie, it's in fact traumatic, but it is vital.

You need to talk to the police and tell them what happened.  Sadly, in most states the states get to decide if they are going to prosecute the case.  It is not like you dealing with a theft or an assault.  If you want to prosecute them you can prosecute.  Not the same as prosecuting a rape.  You don't get to make the choice. when it is a rape  The state attorneys decide whether or not they have enough evidence to have a good possibility of winning.

Just as important, find a therapist.  Even if you think you don't need to talk to one, you will.  Find someone you can relate to, feel comfortable with and go.  Maybe you won't do it right away, or maybe you will feel the need to do it as soon as the assault happens.  Whatever works for you, you need to process the attack.  If you go to court, you need someone to talk to during that process, as well.

Learn to ask for help, get some help, you will need it.  I am an example of the positive outcome.  I came out on the other side and I prove there is life after sexual abuse.  I was lucky to have friends and a therapist when I needed them.  Reach out and get the help you need.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Do You Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? Why Would They Do That?

I remember when I was training to be a Guardian Ad Litem in Miami,  They told us that one of the reasons people sexually abused others was because they had been sexually abused themselves.  It makes sense because we most often repeat what happens in our childhood environment because it seems normal to us.  It is also very sad, but it helped me see sexual abuse perpetrators in a different way.  And so it goes, the perpetrator was probably abused and his abuser was probably abused by him or her before too. This is why besides rescuing the abused, it is of primary importance to stop the cycle of abuse in a family.

After recognizing and dealing with the abuse, it seems illogical for someone who has been sexually abused to lie or keep the abuse to themselves.  If you are reading this, you may be thinking, "Not me, I would be running and screaming, and telling everybody.  But believe it or not, that's fairly uncommon.

First of all, when we are talking about sexual abuse, certainly when we think about rape, and incest, the conversation is Y-U-C-K-Y  (that is a technical term).  Many of us don't like to talk about sex, at all, much less to talk about it to the police or another authority figure, like a child speaking to an adult.  Then,  if you can, think about the guilt that comes with this kind of abuse.  Most victims feel a lot of guilt about what happened to them, no matter how much we know they shouldn't feel that way.  Remember, sexual abuse, rape, or incest is not the victims' fault, ever, anytime. But we often feel guilt.  And the perpetrators tell you things to make you feel guilty, which is easy if you are a child. or isolated.

And if you are a child, counting on someone else for your room and board, or living in the same home as the perpetrator, when the abuse is reported and the police show up, you may not be welcome to stay where you were living before.  If you are a child, you may feel uncomfortable because everyone is mad and yelling.

If you were in the middle of all that, would you want to deny being abused?  Would you tell the police you don't know what they are talking about?  So would a lot of victims.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

Do You Really Have to Worry About Sexual Abuse? I thought I would be OK.

I thought I would be fine.  After all, I was a therapist.  I knew what to do.  I was ahead of most people.  I didn’t have a family but I had wonderful friends who met me at the hospital and let me stay with them for that week.  I was always the one who helped others and I was strong.  I had been on my own since I was 15 years old; I know my way around.

I went right back to work. Staying in my apartment where it happened was tough.  I had a little dog, Ms. Bear.  She probably weighed 15 pounds.  I made her sleep between me and the door.  I slept with the windows open, it was North Carolina in the summer; most of us didn’t have air conditioning in our homes.  Ms. Bear slept touching me and I would wake up as soon as I felt her tense before she barked at a noise she heard outside.  

A few months later, I could not get out of bed.  I drug myself out of bed long enough to work and then it was back to bed.  One day, I got up, tried to wash my face to go to work, and couldn’t remember how to do it.  I pulled on some sweat pants and ran out of the house, jumping in my car. My “I’m-Perfect-Everything-is-Just-Fine” facade had finally crumbled completely.  My friends knew something was wrong and made me promise to find a therapist to listen.

And I’ll never forget that first therapy session.  I couldn’t look the therapist in the eye.  I cried so hard I thought my heart would burst.  Afterwards, she told me there was help available for people like me.  There was hope.  Wow!


Over the next five years, through therapy and support, I began to heal.  I became involved in a supportive group of people who lived through the same thing and I felt I was not alone.  I could tell my story, and people would listen.  I no longer needed to feel ashamed.  .  Best of all, I learned none of what happened to me in the past was my fault.  None of it.

Pretending you’re “okay” when you’re not is hard work, isn’t it?  If you’re tired of pretending and ready to take that first step toward healing, I want to be good to yourself. Seek therapy, counseling, or coaching.  Do something!  Why do I say this?  Because I know.  

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   
Carolyn Wilson,  M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       
 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  
Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions

 

Do You Really Have To Worry About Sexual Abuse? How Do You Know?

What does a sexually abused child act like?  Can you spot one?  Can you tell by looking at your children?  Of course, the behavior changes depending on the person and situation, so it's not always easy.  You think.. "GREAT, just what I need."  I mean, most children today are jigsaw puzzles without all the pieces.  They don't even speak a language you recognize.  But take a deep breath, we can figure this out.

Many children who are sexually abused are quiet, withdrawn, want to stay by themselves.  That makes sense.  But some children who are sexually abused are not withdrawn.  They learn how to cope, really quickly.  And if it means they are always the one who is the center of attention, the one with the loudest laugh, then it means they are not in a quiet room with the wrong person.  Sexually abused children often do poorly in school, but they can also be a star in the academic environment because this is the one place they can be safe, they can be a success, instead of someone who is being abused.

Children who are sexually abused may suddenly have a lot of information about sex that they didn't have before.  They may describe sexual acts they should have no information about at their age or maturity level.  When a three year old tells you about something that sounds like oral sex, you really need to ask more questions.

When a child has pain or redness in their genital area, you need to ask them what is going on.  When children, especially girls seem to see their identity or worth as a person linked to their sexuality, make sure you ask questions.  Our society sees girls and women in a very sexualized and unreal way and many females hold themselves to that standard.  But if your five year old is wearing booty shorts, you have a problem and it may be sexual abuse.

The bottom line is this.....PAY ATTENTION.  You have to know what is happening even when you are not there.  And talk, talk, talk, even when you think they are not listening...keep talking to them.

Carolyn has been providing therapy for clients for 30+ years and although she has worked with all kinds of clients in all kinds of environments, her passion continues to be providing services for clients who have dealt with sexual abuse issues and trauma. She currently provides all types of therapeutic support for victims of sexual abuse assault rape and incest.   Serving Ft. Lauderdale, Palm Beach, and Miami area   

Carolyn Wilson, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.                       

 Personal Solutions 954-793-3201  

Helping you To Find Your Personal Solutions